There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
