You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
