He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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