Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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