I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
