K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
