oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
