Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
