I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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