just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
