so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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