the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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