I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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