Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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