hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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