between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
