i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you will always have a special place in my vag
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
