I faked an abortion last night.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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