I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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