I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
