i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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