i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
