Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
