I hope mine doesn't look like that
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
