It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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