can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
