Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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