Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
