he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That accounts for only three of the penises
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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