haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
