I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Two words: blizzard sex
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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