that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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