I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
