just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
