No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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