wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think I died a long time ago.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
