Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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