dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize