Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
