Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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