im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
