not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
