They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
