I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I cut my penus on the lid.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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