My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
