My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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