found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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