Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
