Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
