this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
