My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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