dude i'm inner monologue high
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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