if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
