my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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