Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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