No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
