i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
ugly people sure do ruin things
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize