she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
