New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
