Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
